When the huge green snake bite off my testicles

When the huge green snake bite off my testicles

Huge Green Snake taking a nap

Avoid the budget vacation to Macalackawacka, that's where the big green snake bite off my testicles. I got them sewed back on but who wants to go through that? 

Luckily, I was able to get the testicles back after chopping the snake in half with a machete and the doctor sewed them right back on after my six and a half mile ride over a bumpy jungle trail on a moped with bad shocks. Hurt like the dickens, good thing I had ice in my picnic cooler! Wife was right behind me on her rented moped, a blue Tomos. 

I followed the wife on her moped so she could point out the way to Macalackawacka's sorry excuse for a general hospital. She knew the way having visited the island in the past and she kept up to date on local happenings. This was the place where her first husband disappeared, vanished without a trace. She always thought that perhaps he just "went native" and was hiding out on the island. I have my doubts about her story but I've learned to keep them to myself as she gets really belligerent when pressed. 

Macalackawacka General is located on the island's only fork in the road. After putting me safely into the healing hands of the nuns who sympathetically jabbered over me where I collapsed on the grass, the kindly wife sped off on the blue smoky Tomos yelling, "I'll be back!"

Naive of me to think the worse part of my ordeal was over.. I was safely in the care of Macalackwacka Nuns!  No so... My reasonable expectation of the Nuns wheeling out a gurney or a stretcher did not materialize, nope, they simply tied me to a pole and five of them carried me in like somebody's barbeque. Ah lovely Macalackawacka, who's main and perhaps only export is some kind of sticky, smelly bark.  Never vacation there no matter how cheap the tickets or accommodations! 

The doctor accused me, unjustly, of teasing the snake and that really made me mad! The problem is, that when you have just had your testicles bitten off, screaming and yelling only makes the pain worse. I didn't even see the damn snake until it bit me so how the Hell could I have been teasing it? The doctor gave me an injection and I went out like a light.

Wife, an impatient sort, had the doctor wake me up with another injection. She can't stand waiting around, especially at a hospital.  I don't know what that stuff was but it woke me right up out of a fog. Even before becoming fully awake, I could recognize the dear wife by the blurry outline of her, shall I say, distinctive hairdo. Wife is touchy about her hair so I don't want to say any more about that, just in case. 

"You're OK, dear" she said, "good as new in five or six months." You're lucky it is a big green snake and it bite your stuff clean off, a smaller snake would have chewed!" Then she made the exaggerated chewing motion she always makes when I cook a steak in the backyard back home and it always turns out too tough. She like her steak tender, I have to pound it for about an hour to make her happy. 

Oh great wondrous day! My danglers were bite clean off but yet, by a miracle of medical science, they were reattached!! I almost felt good!  "Uh, what do you mean: "Is a big green snake"? You mean was, I killed it with the machete, chopped it in half. It was a big green snake now it is a dead big green snake! I murdered that bastard..

"Oh no dear, I dropped you off at the hospital and took it right into the Vet who sewed the poor thing back together! With that, she lifted up a bamboo or rattan cage, with that huge green snake in it, putting it very close to my screaming face. The snake hissed at me and I could feel snake spit running down my eyelids. 

You killed your first husband!, I screamed just before blacking out.

The Mighty Hunter with his pointy war stick

My novel: Greenland Tower xoxo. At Amazon/Kindle

 Farrell Hamann Fine Art/Writing. Sacramento, CA
 January 2014 Large, museum quality art collection, $2mil USD
@farrellhamann on Twitter. YouTube Channel: Farrell Hamann
 

Donations accepted and art patrons encouraged

Help a guy out, OK?

A good snake, not like that evil big green one! 
 (Rod of Aesculapius)

 The Green Man

I control, I have the power, muhahaha 

Welcome to Santa Barbara, please tip the dishwasher big!

Play: Guess Who.. Bonehead. Name the bonehead above
Answer 

Above: Eel question. Eel escaped from home waters polluted by Charles Koch, maker of Stainmaster Carpets (and their clones)

 サクラメント、カリフォルニア州に位置して、動物の彫刻コレクション。現在まで20枚。また、城のコレクション。 http://twitpic.com/dx98ob Link

Above: Alligator Pear under glass.
(Note: You may want to let it breathe)